adventures of a damsel in distress

I try to be a competent, smart, strong, independent woman. One thing I'm really good at is opening jars. When I imagine my future husband and I living in a house together, I always picture him having trouble opening the pickle jar. I'll reach out my hand, he'll hand me the jar, and in one liquid motion, I'll finesse the lid off the jar, so my husband can enjoy a nice crisp, dill, Claussen pickle, cause he sure does love his pickles. I think this is a pretty accurate picture, because I really am good at opening jars.

However, when you get right down to it, I am a helpless girl, fitting most of the stereotypes I despise. I really hate to admit it. I shouldn't even bother trying to keep up the image that I'm not a pathetic girl, because everyone on 95 saw right through me today. I was just driving along, and suddenly I got a flat tire, so I pulled off the road, ready to fix it. I went to unscrew the spare from the trunk. But...I couldn't even manage to get it unscrewed. Neither direction seemed to be working, so i just gave up. Armed with no cell phone, there was nothing for me to do but turn to the crowded highway in my little dressy work skirt and wave someone down. So two men had to stop and change it for me, and I had to use this dude's cell phone.

Flash back about a month, and you'd see me sitting in a random church parking lot, with another flat tire, waiting for Andy to come fix it. That's right, my friend's boyfriend came to fix my tire. You'd think by now I'd have learned. I mean I know how to change a tire, but I'm not sure I could actually carry it out. Cause I tried today. Maybe I didn't try hard enough, but it just goes to show you, I'm a wimpy little girl in a pretty little skirt and heels who doesn't know anything about cars and seems to have horrible horrible luck with them, and although I may have decent biceps, they're not fooling anyone.
What a disgrace.

pieces of today

Here's some random stuff:

1. Everyone who called the Chapel today called me Donna. My name is not Donna. It barely even sounds like it. People just make things up.
   
2. This blog has received many reviews. Among them is my own sister's I didn't know you were funny! But this one is worth showing off:
   Taylor: anna, i would just like you to know that your online journal is my favorite of all the online journals
   Taylor: and actually if conan obrien had an online journal it might beat yours, but it would be close!
   I take that as a compliment, although it's kinda weird that my brand of wit is being compared to Conan O'Brien's, since he actually creeps me out a lot.
   
3. I watched Brown Sugar, actually for the first time tonight. I came to the conclusion that they were originally going to call it Love & Hip Hop, but then they decided that people might catch on too quickly that this movie has already been made before.
   
4. I'm having a slight flashback to 2 years ago. Just a little one, though. Just enough to remind me that I hate Boston. Not Boston the city; I'm actually a big fan of anything in Massachusetts. I'm talking about Boston the metaphor. Who needs Boston? What's wrong with Maryland? If all you really want is some corn on the cob and a little Old Bay on your crabs, don't go looking for clam chowder and lobsters, thinking that's gonna satisfy you. Cause it's not. If you wanna relax on the Chesapeake, then why would you head for the Harbor?? You can't claim to be an Orioles fan one day, and a Red Sox fan the next. I mean, you can...but that's just dumb. I realize this is more cryptic than entertaining, but sometimes a girl's just gotta be a little cryptic.

did you ever know that you're my hero?

This idea is stolen from Jennifer, to be sure, but here are my heroes of the weekend...without them, none of the events of the past few days would have been possible:

• Erin...she'll never know she's reached hero status because I rarely ever speak to her, but she took my shift this weekend! I didn't have to work the crazy Alumni Dream Wedding (okay, that would've been fun, but still), and I wouldn't have gotten to have the specTACular weekend that I did without her!
• Stacy and Julia...they met me for Church for Darfur in DC today and offered to drive me back so I didn't have to pay metro fare again. Trivia nerd that I am, I got a little distracted by a quiz book in the backseat (I learned that the word flump means to put something down with a loud noise). I didn't even notice that they drove me all the way to Columbia, when my car was actually in College Park. So they took me all the way back again! Lifesavers.
• Dana...I put Dana on the list for 2 reasons. 1: She is quickly becoming my new friend and person to hang out with, even though she was first friends with Brita, who actually gets a little competitive about our mutual friends. 2: I know she reads this blog religiously, so she'll appreciate the shoutout.

Also, I also owe apologies to those that didn't come to the crab feast. I am a bad inviter, and there are a few people I really wish could have been there, but they weren't, due to the fact that I never invited them. I'm weird sometimes.

probably a future RNOTM

Went to the African American Heritage Festival in Baltimore tonight with Dana and Danielle. Nothing like sipping a strawberry smoothie in the summertime and listening to India Arie's voice. She sang Strength Courage and Wisdom and I Am Ready For Love, among others and a whole bunch of new ones. And, I just can't help singing along with Brown Skin...even though I felt kinda weird as one of the only white people in the crowd. Am I allowed to sing that? It's like I'm claiming something that's not mine. I skip it on my playlist everytime other people are around. But when I'm alone, oh, I sing it.

(RNOTM...you know...Random Nostalgia Of The Moment)

the really ironic thing is...I'm gonna be a teacher

I need to stop being so freaking efficient in the morning, cause I get everything done and then sit here for the rest of the day. I start to look for menial things to do until I realize that I've already made enough copies of everything, and there are no office supplies left to order.

When did it become acceptable for me to have a 9 to 5 office job?
This looks like a rhetorical question, but it's actually not. I remembered a suppressed memory the other night at dinner.

You see, I was homeschooled for 3 years. And yes, homeschooling does have some harmful social effects if the purpose is to isolate the child from the outside world. I've known a few people who just don't know quite how to act around other human beings. Then when they tell me they were homeschooled I have to feign surprise. Oooh really? Actually, that wasn't the reason I was homeschooled. I asked to be homeschooled. I completely forgot that it was my idea in the first place! After I finished first grade, I made my mom take me out of school. And it wasn't because I was being bullied or anything. I was pretty popular in first grade, and I made all the other kids follow me around the playground. I think the reason was because I wanted to lie on the floor when I did my work. It may have also been because I liked adding big numbers and they didn't do that in first grade. I was a free spirit for those 3 years. I woke up late, rarely brushed my hair, did some work, watched SuperMarket Sweep at lunchtime, rode my bike for "PE," did some more work, then played with my friends when they got home. I never had any homework, rarely sat at a desk, and I even got to go to other kids' houses for art class. When middle school rolled around, I realized that staying home with my mother all day probably wouldn't be the best idea, so I said, put me back in real school, Mom. And she did.

In 6th grade, I hated school. I hated life, because it was completely driven by school. Every day I woke up and went to the same boring classes over and over again and sat in the same stupid desks. The free spirit with messy hair wasn't used to that. And I had at least 7 years to go. I realized how cow-like I was, responding to the bell by shuffling to my next class with everyone else. The irony of it was too much when the bell system broke, and they actually started ringing a cowbell over the PA. School was a Vicious Cycle designed to control the youth.



By high school, I got over the hatred. I guess they just managed to break my spirit. I got used to it. I started brushing my hair, which I guess paved the way for the bright future that I have achieved today. And that is the story of how I became a pawn of society.

sorry about that

I didn't mean to actually post anything serious on here. I assure you, the next one will involve an amusing anecdote or something about my pet turtle. In fact, here is a picture of my hero:

Our next guest likes to stick to things and make car commercials. Please welcome...a lizaaaaaard!

adventures in missing the point

I had a little chat with the Lutheran chaplain today when she stopped by the office. She was the first ordained female in the Lutheran church, back in 1970. She still gets hate mail. For being a woman. You are an abomination to God. You are the whore of Babylon. (What the crap does that even mean?) She leads a group of college students who tutor and mentor children, give of their time, money, and possessions to people in communities who need it most, and work with Fair Trade to counter economic injustice for workers in other countries. They do much more than that that's probably not even advertised, and yet the fact that she's a woman apparently means she should just quit, because she's somehow a disgrace to God.

Modern Western Conservative Christianity makes me very angry.

While things like this make me want to distance myself from Christianity entirely, some people have a better perspective of it. To the accusation of You're ruining the church of God, the Lutheran chaplain sarcastically yet calmly replies, "Wow, I guess I've got power!"

oooh, a rant

One time I said that my job was glamorous...yeah, scratch that. Tonight it went from glamorous to filthy...then to pretty hilarious.

Long story short, I cleaned up crap. And I don't use crap figuratively here, the way I often do, to refer to flowers, or purses, or pieces of tissue. Oh no, there was an actual pile of feces smushed on the floor. As in, Hagerstown Hall has never even been that bad.

That's right, someone pooped on the bathroom floor. I don't know how; I don't know why. I don't understand why someone would poop on the floor at a wedding in a Chapel then choose to leave it there. But there it was. This is not part of my job, but you do what you gotta do to salvage some dignity for someone's wedding day, even if their coordinator's a liar and their guests poop wherever they please. The girl I was training and I took some stuff from the janitor's closet and mopped and disinfected as best we could. We propped open the door for ventilation and put up "wet floor" and "bathroom closed" signs. We went back to write about our adventures in the Event Journal, so everyone else who works there would know just how fun our weekend was.

So, I gave this one to the girl I was training, and as she is detailing the episode, the reverend comes in and informs us that "a gentleman is using the bathroom that you just blocked, with the door left wide open". And that was when it turned hilarious. Peeing in front of wedding guests...yep, that's just the icing on the cake.

I think this may have all been an elaborate plot to steal my title of "Classiest Wedding Guest".
Touché, guys. Touché.

what a great night!

Katie and Jamey are married now!! I won't go into the romantic details, but I've never seen people look more in love. So many of my friends were there, and they all looked like adults. Since...I guess we are or something. All at the same time, it was a relaxing, fun party outside, as well as a fancy, elegant occasion. I have seen a lot of weddings in my day, and honestly, this was definitely the most fun, beautiful, classy one. I wouldn't expect anything less, though. I half expected to see swans waddling around the fountain and the gazebo.

And then there's me...

Anna: Are there cups somewhere? I'm thirsty, and I really want some punch.
Jayme: Where is there punch?
Anna: I saw some in a pitcher on that table.
Jayme: ...that's the hot water for the cake knife, so they can cut it easier.
Anna: ...that would've been funnier if you had just found me a cup.

classsssyyy

it's all downhill after the turtle post

Once I realized that people actually read this, for some reason I stopped being compelled to post.

Maybe it's the pressure to be clever.




...what do you want from me!?
I was wrong; this is harder than away messages.

Mr. Poopers

What You Need To Know About Mr. Poopers:

1. name: Mr. Poopers
2. size: the number pad on a keyboard
3. hobbies: climbing high into my plastic tree and sleeping there, scuttling at the side of my tank to escape, avoiding people by hiding in my log
4. favorite food: ReptoMin Baby pellets
5. least favorite food: ladybugs
6. best friend: none, I am so lonely
7. secret confession: I can't actually swim...I'm an aquatic turtle, and I don't swim

Okay, but seriously...I'm a terrible turtle owner. He has no substrate, so he just slips on the bottom of his tank. The water is really shallow, and I'm afraid that if I make it deeper, he won't be able to get any oxygen, because I don't think he can swim. He just sinks. And since the water is so low, I can't put in a filter, and no filter means no substrate, since I have to change his water so often. Poor little guy. Or girl, I really don't know.

It's not that I don't care, I just don't know how to deal with special needs turtles. In addition to not swimming, I think he also has Social Anxiety Disorder. I'm not one of those pet owners who thinks that just because an animal is small it is expendable. I was not the little girl who bought a pretty little hermit crab off the boardwalk in Ocean City and let it die the next week. (PS, those things can live for at least 25 years ...just ask my mom's friend.) I'm at a loss.

I should've gone with my dream pet since my youth.

I bet lemmings are real low-maintenance.

...it's back

So, at the end of the semester, I had this bad feeling like I was screwing up everything I did. For instance:
One day I skipped class to sleep in, just cause I felt like it. I was already awake, and then I just said, eh, forget it, and went back to sleep. Later that day, my friend asked me why I wasn't in class...I told her I was just sleeping, only to find out that we had had an exam. I just didn't show up for an exam. I had no clue we even had one. Who does that??

Another time, I was on my way to a job interview. Nothing had worked out, and I wasn't used to rejection. So...one last interview. I couldn't find the house number I was looking for, so I was driving and looking at a street sign at the same time. I hit a curb, blew out the tire, couldn't call the people I was supposed to meet (didn't even have their number!), didn't know how to change the tire...and then I realized I had been looking for the wrong house number, and I had driven past the actual house a few times. Huh.

And then I did a bunch of other stupid things, but those were the biggest.

And now, I feel like I'm doing it again:

I spent 3 years growing out my hair so I could finally cut off more than 10 inches to donate to Locks of Love. I had it in a bag sitting on the table, ready to be sent out. And suddenly...it was gone. I know this is disgusting, but my hair, and lots of it, is missing. I think my mom threw it away! I had a friend chop off all my hair for nothing?? Some kid with leukemia is now still bald because I couldn't manage to send my hair in! Bleh!

And today...today was just a giant waste of driving time. There's this thing called Worship in the Spirit of Justice in DC, or as I like to call it, "Church for Darfur". For 5 Sundays, people are meeting in DC to sing songs and pray and have speakers in various places in DC to gather people of faith and people who care about the world to encourage Bush to actually do something to stop the genocide. They're also doing it to encourage CNN to actually cover what's taking place in the Sudan on the news. So...that's awesome. And I really wanted to go. But I couldn't find anyone to go with! So...I didn't go. I didn't want to go there by myself and sit alone and feel awkward. So I decided to just go to normal church. But when I drove past it, everyone was outside! It didn't look like normal church, and again, I was too scared to go alone. I wouldn't know what to do with myself! So I turned around and drove all the way home. I haven't been to church in weeks cause I don't like going alone.
Then I tried to go to the library. But it was closed.
Then I tried to go to the pool and thought, wouldn't it be awful if it ended up being closed, and I had to go home? But it wasn't closed. Good. But when I got to the gate and gave them my card, they said my membership was inactive! No! It's actually not! I'm not quite 23 yet, that's when they get deactivated. Grrr.

So basically, I wasted the whole day. And I have to go back to work tomorrow. And I'm starting to feel like a waste of space again. That was not a good end of the semester, and I don't want it invading my summer. I don't know if I'm a perfectionist or what, but I absolutely hate feeling like I've screwed things up.

your glimpse of Heaven for the day

There it is. My lake. Stiles Reservoir in Spencer, Massachusetts. See how there's two coves in the little tail thing on the bottom? My cottage is on the left side of the second one up. The big island in the middle is Ropeswing Island, and the small islands above it are the Blueberry Islands.

My mom co-owns the little cottage that was built by my great grandpa (I think his name was George) with 6 brothers and sisters and 3 cousins. Yep, I have a huge family. 53 first cousins, baby. Anyways, each family gets a week there in the summer...except this year, we're not going. So...I'm left to drool over this bird's-eye view of the place and reminisce about all my past memories and traditions.

the Leicester drive-in, going off the ropeswing, picking wild blueberries and making blueberry pancakes, eating "lobstah" (and affecting a Boston accent whenever possible), lounging in the hammock, floating on a raft in the middle of the lake and feeling more at peace than I do anywhere else in the world, being the ghetto house...everyone else on the lake has speedboats, tubes, wakeboards and jetskis while we have a paddle boat and a motorboat with holes in the bottom, getting to watch Are You Afraid of the Dark and other cable shows cause when we were growing up we didn't have it, getting to pick your own sugary cereal for the week, eating at Dairy Queen...the good old brazier, s'mores by the fire outside, catching bass, inevitably getting stuck in the middle of the lake, playing American Gladiators on the raft

...next year

la vie est belle

get ready, I'm being sentimental...

I love summer storms. You can just kinda feel the thunder inside of you, but it's so warm outside. It's so calm, but it also feels like there's a ton of energy in the air. And there is, cause then it lightings, which is especially fun when you're driving and get a clear view of it ripping through the sky in front of you.

So it's like that, but as I get closer to home, the rain lets up a little, and as soon as I turn into my neighborhood, I smell honeysuckle. Smell is the sense most closely related to memory, so it makes me feel carefree like I'm 8 again, running around the backyard barefoot and sweaty, just as it's getting to be dusk, and I'm filling a Mason jar covered in punctured Cling Wrap with as many lightning bugs as I can. Then I drive down my driveway, and when I open the car door, honeysuckle just floods the air. I honestly don't think I've ever smelled it that strong. And now of course, I'm on a mission to go consume as much honeysuckle as I can. So I run down the wet hill to the woods at the edge of my backyard, and the bushes are just covered in honeysuckle. And I stand there and drink honeysuckle in the summer rain. Oooh man.

I swear there was not a single honeysuckle flower a week ago. I was watering the garden, and I thought of honeysuckle, but I didn't see any. So I figured, oh well, I guess we don't get it any more. Ppfff, what was I thinking. Of course it was still there. That's what I love about nature. Sam's old swingset might break and fall down, my mother might give away all the books that I learned to read from, Mandy might have to move to a new house, we might all go to college, and I might lose interest in playing in the creek for hours on end and chewing on onion grass. But every year the honeysuckle comes back, and that intangible feeling of childhood just comes rushing back too. It's like when it starts to smell like summer again, and you realize that you had forgotten what summer smells like. But it's still a part of you enough that you'll always recognize it. Every year, the lightning bugs twinkle by the grass and bushes. Every year, the crickets chirp at night. Violets and daffodils grow by the creek. Blueberries grow on the island in Massachusetts. Snow falls. Leaves turn orange and crinkle when you walk through them. My childhood always comes back.

Bath & Body Works used to have a honeysuckle fragrance. It was my favorite. Then they discontinued it. I went in to get it one time, and it was gone. But not my backyard. My backyard just keeps making the stuff.

95 can be fun

I had a good time in rush hour today. In a way, I have to. I feel kinda like a sellout for getting a 9 to 5 office job, when I always said I'd never take one. I don't want to become part of corporate America, clocking in and out and tearing my hair out and muttering about how miserable I am wasting so much time in a car. So, I figure, if I'm throwing a dance party to Gwen Stefani and The Killers and whatever other singalong songs the radio has to offer while others are trying to suppress road rage, I've beat the system. We'll see how long this lasts.

somewhat unrelated, but this is what I thought of when I thought of traffic. what a good story

Also, I enjoy dressing up in pretty summer work clothes.

random

I think the reason I like this blog idea, is because I like away messages. It's just a bunch of away messages, only extended versions.

random scraps of my day:

As I'm typing this, I'm wearing a dashiki-ish dress that I found in the basement. Yesterday I was prancing around in my junior prom dress. I still like to play dress up, and this house is full of good finds. Tomorrow I might pull the fairy wings out of the basement, who knows.

I had to drop off a DVD at Blockbuster today. I told myself that if they had a previewed copy of 13 Going on 30 that I'd buy it. They did. At any given time on any given day, I'm probably in the mood to watch that movie. It may be cheesy, but I'm telling you, it moved me. To tears, in fact. First movie since The Fox and the Hound to break through these cinematic walls I put up...or something like that.

The tires on Gretchen are now officially balanced. They were replaced last week from the time I blew one out by hitting a curb. Note to self and anyone reading: Never assume that just because you get a flat tire right in front of a church that they'll be glad to let you use their phone. Jerks. Times like that I realize how much I can't function in society without a cell phone. But I'm staying strong. Or cheap...whichever.

Eating at Noodles makes me a little bitter. Cause that chick Allison, the Asparagus Queen's, picture is up. Her poetry is terrible...no sense of meter whatsoever. But it's all good, cause we all know who got People's Choice.

Lastly, pão de queijo is the bread of the gods. Gives me a craving for an ice cold can of Guaraná.

I love my teeth

My best piece of advice for the day:

Never Google Image anything related to teeth.

I just saw some of the most disturbing pictures I have EVER seen. Tooth decay, snaggle teeth, cracked teeth, cavities, missing teeth, screws drilled into people's jaws instead of teeth...it was HORRIFYING.

Blood doesn't bother me. Bruises, scrapes, broken bones. Needles don't bother me. I'm practically addicted to donating blood every 56 days (and you all should be too)! Very little grosses me out or causes me pain. But anything that might harm my teeth...is very scary. I love my teeth very much. I obsess over oral hygiene. The shocking thing is, I don't floss. Ever. I refuse to floss, but I brush my teeth and gargle Listerine every time I leave the house. One of my greatest fears is chipping a tooth. Or falling and smashing them on the concrete! I shudder just thinking about it!! And I have these dreams...apparently it's pretty common, but I have had innumerable dreams about my teeth falling out. They just crumble in my mouth, and I spit them out in a bloody mess. It gives me this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach until I wake up and realize I still have all my teeth, at which point I can't stop touching them or thanking God that they're really there. I have to check every once in a while. I don't know what the dreams mean though. I've heard several explanations...everything from "it means you have problems with your parents" to "you're afraid of getting old and dying" to "you're experiencing some type of loss of control in your life" to "you're worried about what people think of you" to "I think it means something bad about your relationship with God or something...that's what it meant for my friend".

I may never figure out what the dreams mean, but I do know one thing. When I'm a kindergarten teacher, I'm really going to stress oral hygiene. Every day, we'll have a unit on why you should brush your teeth. Constantly. Maybe I will show them those nasty pictures. That's right, I'll employ scare tactics on 6 year olds. They're gonna get it eventually in sex ed in high school.

If you have unprotected sex, you WILL get gonorrhea.

Oh yeah? Well...

If you don't brush your teeth and gargle mouthwash 5 times a day, your teeth WILL look like this:

Bleh, I can't believe I just put that up there! I'm only doing it for the kids.

That's right little guy. Keep yourself safe. Okay, even more important than the advice about Google: TAKE CARE OF YOUR TEETH!

The First One

Who knows how long this will last. I get bored easily. But since this began at work, and because I like making lists, I give you my first post.

Why I Like My Job:

1. the Chapel is beautiful
2. I get to wear a nametag with the University logo on it
3. I get to dispel the myth that there is a 4 year waiting list for weddings
4. people visit me and get me food when I have to work a 16 hour shift with no breaks
5. watching weddings and seeing the gowns beats looking at magazines...although I still do that
6. I sneak up into the balcony to watch weddings
7. I work alone and am in charge of everything
8. one time, Testudo came for a couple's photo session, and I got to see him without the costume
9. it's glamorous

PS, I'm an event manager at the chapel on the University of Maryland's campus.