General consensus is that we should live in the present - carpe diem and all that. Usually I agree. However, the only thing keeping me sane lately is living in the future. I like making plans and looking forward to things. In April, I will have Spring Break. In May, I will fly out to see my sister and nephew. I have other things planned too...
I saw my sister this weekend. She is one of those gorgeous pregnant women who hasn't gotten fat, but rather just very pregnant looking. I felt my nephew. He kicked hard a few times. I already think he's cute.
Also, I have another one of my teaching illnesses, complete with a headache that makes my eyes feel like they're trying to expand through their sockets, neck pain that causes me to turn my entire body when I turn my head, and what my brother has so tastefully called "lung butter." At least it kicked in on the weekend.
My brother has also named me "Auntie Zeek." Kirsten makes a face every time that is mentioned, so it probably won't catch on. I think the alternative is Auntie Anna. Cause Aunt Anna just doesn't roll off the tongue.
This year, I've missed my friends. I like living with lots of people. What I've realized recently though, is that I think I also miss myself. Does that make sense?
I feel that I've put myself on hold for awhile. Not just my free time or my wishes, but me. Like I've stepped outside my identity to do what's expected of me. And all I know of myself is what other people tell me I am, which is difficult when you're receiving mixed reviews every day - the good, the bad, the honest, the assumptions, and the downright cruel. You've heard that whole tossed by the waves metaphor. Have you ever felt like that - crushed against the sand and shells, picked up, and tossed again? I just look forward to that breath of air I get every so often. But then it only makes it that much harder when you get pushed down again.
Perhaps this is a character flaw; perhaps it's a bad fit that's not permanent; perhaps it's just a learning curve. I don't know, but I'm looking forward to meeting myself again. Hi. I know you. You're not who they say you are. Hey, it's okay to just float for awhile.
