that minivan really does hold a lot of memories

I wrote this at the end of November and never posted it.

There was a time in my life that I had no earthly concept of what rejection felt like, which is good, because kids really shouldn't have to experience that. The first time I felt it was in ninth grade, when I tried out for the school play. I had done some plays before, beginning in preschool when I was (as a sheep) the only one who had any lines. I continued acting in school and at good old Drama Learning Center up through middle school. I had experience. I liked it. I wasn't good at nor did I care about sports. The play was what I wanted to do. And then I didn't make it.

The director/drama and art teacher personally spoke to me afterward to tell me that I had done such a great job, but they just didn't have enough parts for ninth graders. They had to give parts to older students. Why did she have to say that? Rejection speeches are the worst. Nobody wants to hear, "You're great, but." Especially since there was one ninth grader who DID make the cut, and she was not me. Obviously, age was not the only reason I didn't get a part. Rejection speeches are always only half the truth. I remember riding in the Chevy Astro that night, lying across the bumpy gray seat and crying quietly, pretending it wasn't a big deal but inwardly feeling the pain that comes from knowing this one chance will never ever come again. Sure, maybe another one will, in a few years, but this one is gone. And this is the only one I wanted.

Well, after that, I went back to a rejection-free life. I got my learner's permit and my driver's license each on my first try. I got the first job to which I ever applied. And the next. And they were both really good. I got into the only college to which I applied. And then my first professional job when I left college. And when I quit that job during a questionable time in our economic history, I got turned down from one county but ended up in a great job anyway. Smooth sailing yet again for Anna the Unbreakable.

And then there was this year. I have been rejected from teaching, substitute teaching, grocery stores, administrative positions, after school programs, and nannying jobs. I kept going and eventually got a decent part-time nannying job. To me, this became success. It is not ideal, but it is good. It is not challenging, but it is a stepping stone. I am not settling, but I am accepting for now. How has all this rejection affected me? Oddly, not that much. I am still confident in who I am and what I have to offer. I decide every day that I can enjoy where I am, though I am not content to stay there. I am not crying on the proverbial backseat of the Chevy Astro about my occupation.

Recently, the pendulum's been swinging the other way. I just got offered two jobs. The one I accepted is only a temporary thing, but it's a foot-in-the-door kind of a situation. I choose to see this as the beginning of a new season. This actually has been a really great year, but I'm ready for 2011. Early 'Peace out, 2010.' I'm done with ya.

I have since experienced more rejection and disappointment. The foot-in-the-door job was great, but it's over now, and it doesn't feel like it was a stepping stone to anywhere. I have felt stuck in a lot of areas of my life for almost a year now, and I am starting to wear thin. Anyway, these words offer a little perspective, and maybe the pendulum will keep swinging. I think that's what they do.