hopeful cynicism?

Ooohh Christmas. I love you so much, but I am terrible at shopping for Christmas gifts. There are some people who can just pinpoint exactly what someone would like and get it for them. Those people are so thoughtful. I, on the other hand, spend hours agonizing over what to get people I have known my entire life, because I still have no clue. I have never been a thoughtful friend. Reliable, maybe; I'll go so far as to say that, but never one of those thoughtful people who can get something to fit someone else's personality. Or who thinks of cute things to do for your roommates or leave them little notes. I love those things, but I just don't think to do them.

I was thinking about my inability to pick out Christmas gifts last night as I was falling asleep*, and I realized something: I lack vision.

If I had the vision, I could think about the personalities of my friends and family members and imagine something that would be perfect for them. But I just can't do that.

Maybe this wouldn't be a huge deal if it was just about presents, but I have no vision in life. In my classroom, I tend to do things the way my mentor teacher does and the way my school does, because I'm supposed to. However, I'm scared that once I have my own classroom, I may just end up doing what I know because I can no longer come up with anything new. I came into this year with high ideals and hopes for learning how to put them into practice, and now I wonder if they're slipping away.

And then last night, I was reading a book by Shane Claiborne. This is a guy who in college joined a group of homeless families in a stand to not get kicked out of a church they were living in. And then, on a quest to find someone who was truly following Jesus, he pretty much just picked up the phone, dialed Mother Teresa, and hopped a plane to go live with her for awhile with the sick and dying citizens of Calcutta.

Vision, man.

I read the Bible and think, Wow. Jesus really just lived with people and showed them this amazing love by giving them what they needed. I need to do that. And then I think, Okay, how? In my current life, what can I do? As a teacher next year, what can I do? Where should I live? Am I even supposed to be a teacher, or am I supposed to quit everything, join a commune, and begin making my own clothing so that I'm not supporting greedy, oppressive corporations?

I realize that this is not the route everyone is supposed to take. And if I had enough vision, I would be able to think of a new route that someone needs to travel. I prayed for vision last night, but I don't actually believe I will change. I suppose I need a little more faith, too.

Ooohh the ambivalence. This is my life.



*Actually, I came to this realization after reading Shane Claiborne, not after thinking about Christmas presents. However, I was going to lie to you in order to begin with an ordinary, concrete concept like buying presents, because that is something I do when I am writing: begin with an everyday thing, make a generalization about life, then extend that generalization to some more meaningful concept. I don't know if this is a legitimate writing style that they teach you in English classes or anything, but I adopted it a long time ago. I am also adopting footnotes for today, because Shane Claiborne uses them a lot, and it makes me smile.