I can't believe I'm posting this

Are you ready for a ridiculously sappy post? Seriously, go grab a box of tissues, or you will not be prepared. Actually, I'm probably simply over-emotional.

I've just been so frustrated with the education program lately. There are some majors where you can just do the work, do a good job, and you'll be fine. Up until now, education has been like that. I do the work, even when there's a lot of it, turn it in, and I'm set. It's not like that any more. Now it's the kind of major that you have to pour your whole self into. You have to invest every part of yourself to teaching kids and improving your skills and knowledge, all while being evaluated and judged by professors. And they don't even know us. Some of them still cannot say my name. Oh, you're one of the Annas, right? No, I'm not "one of the Annas." There's only one Anna. I am Änna. Two completely different people with different names.

But I digress.

When most people will be taking their senior years easy, my program will just be getting more intense. And I'm not talking about the courseload. It's college, we do a lot of work here, get over it. I just mean that I'm going to have to devote every aspect of my life to the development of a classroom of kids that isn't even my own. I'll be getting one message from my mentor teacher, and 5 (or is it 6?) different messages from my professors, all expecting me to be perfect but telling me that I'm not. It's started already, and it scares me.

There's more, but I won't go into it here.

So...in short, that's why I've been so upset and discouraged with the early childhood program lately. I just want to quit. And that's why I broke into tears tonight while checking my email. You see, over a month ago, I wrote an email to my first grade teacher. Cause...I'm a huge nerd.

Dear Mrs. Grabow,

I am a former student of yours at Atholton Elementary. I was in your first grade class in 92-93 back when you were Miss Himes and had just gotten engaged. I'm now a junior Early Childhood Education major at the University of Maryland! We do a lot of reflecting on our own education and interviewing teachers in my courses, so today I was just thinking about all the things I did in first grade. I have so many good, vivid
memories!

I have a new respect for teachers now that I see all the demands placed on them by the school system in addition to trying to meet the needs of all their students. I mostly
remember writing in your class. You were so creative in the ways you incorporated writing into the curriculum. I remember journaling, making Beary Special Person books, writing about my adventures with Theodore Bear, and writing to a pen pal. I also remember Pip and Pop sitting on my desk.

One time, my friends Mandy, Samantha, and I had a fake "parent-teacher" conference with you after school. I love that you gave us that kind of respect, even though it was kind of silly. (I think the conference was about allowing us to sit at the same table in class...we didn't get to, though. That was probably a good idea.) I'm pretty sure this was how it happened. I have a good memory, but I also had a pretty good imagination.

It's good to see that you are still teaching at Atholton, because sometimes I worry about whether or not I will still want to teach that long once I get started. I just wanted to say thank you, a little late, for being such a great teacher.

So after I wrote it, I was like, Wow. Who does that? What a dork. Oh well, it's too late now. And she never wrote back, so I figured she deleted it as junk or was creeped out and didn't respond. And that is why I was so surprised when this was in my inbox tonight:

Dear Anna,

Thank you very much for the lovely email you sent me. I remember you, Mandy and Samantha very well. I can envison the three of you as though it were yesterday that you were in my class. I would imagine, however, that you and the others look very different now!

I am happy to hear that you are pursuing a degree in education. You will find it an immensely rewarding career. You will certainly have days that you are down. Some students will make slow progress, some children will be suffering from neglect or abuse, some parents may be giving you a difficult time, or your school may lack the resources needed to educate the children, HOWEVER, the children will view you as the most important person in their lives from 9-4 each day. They will love you, they will do their best to please you, and they will imitate you by playing school at home! But best of all, on the days that you cry inside because a child is being neglected at home, you will receive a letter from a former student stating how she remembers the respect you gave her and her friends and saying thank you for being such a great teacher. I was having one of those days when I received your email. I printed the letter and held it close to my heart for the rest of the day. It gave me the needed strength to help the child that needed my help the most. I plan on keeping your letter in my desk to read on those days that I ask myself, "Why am I a teacher?"

So, Anna, thank you for being a "Beary Special Person". You deserved to have Pip and Pop (I have many others now) sitting on your desk. You had quite a thirst for knowledge and your learning behaviors were outstanding. I'm glad you remember some of my classroom management techniques, I hope you will find a use for them in your own classroom. Theodore Bear has been replaced by Trumpet the Elephant. Sadly, Theodore was lost at the mall and never heard from again.

If you are ever visiting Atholton again, please stop by to say hi. I would love to see you.
Fondly,
Mrs. Grabow

Yeah, my roommates came into the room when they heard me crying, thinking something was wrong with me. No, I'm okay now! I'm just ridiculous! This doesn't change the fact that the whole program doesn't sit right with me. But, maybe it was what I needed to realize that I can stick with it for another year and a half. And maybe my disgust and cynicism (which some say is my gift) of the system will lead me to be a better teacher who respects the people who sometimes get marginalized. After all, you really can't teach without bringing in your own experiences and identity. So um...there's some of mine.