nothing left for me to do but dance!

Then Jesus said to his disciples, "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it.”

I saw those verses in a new way today. Sometimes we look at them and think “denying ourselves” means not drinking or not having sex or giving away all our money. All those Christiany kinds of things. And maybe for some people, that is what they mean. But for me, denying myself has taken on new meaning.

This passage comes right after Jesus calls out one of His followers (pretty harshly, actually), saying that he is only thinking about himself, not about what God really cares about. So what does God care about? The most important thing to Jesus is relationships. I know this because when someone asks Him what the greatest commandment is, Jesus basically says, “love God, and love other people.” That’s it. Those are the most important things to Jesus – real relationships, putting other people first.

So when I think about what it means to deny myself, I have to think about how I live for myself when it comes to relationships. Basically, when I am doing things on my own strength, I shut people out. I end relationships. Why would I do that? Because it’s easier. As soon as it seems like someone doesn’t care about me, I want to act like I don’t care about them either. This instinct for self-preservation is pretty strong. I often don’t ask people what’s going on in their lives, because I don’t want to pry. I’m afraid they won’t want me to know. There are certain people that I’ve ignored for years, because I assume they don’t want to know me. I don’t want to put myself out there if I think people won’t appreciate it. I don’t initiate, because that would be awkward. I don’t want to be an awkward person. I’d rather be distant, snobby, and seemingly self-assured. This is how I’ve always pushed people away. How many people have I missed out on?

To deny myself is to put the focus back on what Jesus cares about: relationships. I’d like to live just one day where I could see all the opportunities to lay myself out on the line. To take every opportunity to be honest, awkward, and unashamed, if I really thought it was going to benefit someone else or make them feel loved. That’s part of what it means for me to deny myself. It means forgetting my insecurities and being completely myself with people because I know I might have something to offer them. Jesus has called me to offer myself to other people. That’s the only way to really have life. By relying on Him to do things His way.

At first I was skeptical when one of the sermons at my church was going to be about Napoleon Dynamite. I thought they were just trying to be trendy to attract people. Like, church isn't cool enough...let's add skateboards! Maybe if the pastor wore a Vote for Pedro shirt... Looking back, though, I see how true that message about Napoleon really was. He was someone who laid his extremely awkward self on the line: he did his dance in front of the whole school because Pedro needed a skit. He made himself completely vulnerable and risked being ridiculed in order to save his friend. He was unashamedly himself.

I will look for those opportunities. Please hold me to it.