word vomit

Almost everything we do in life is to project an image. It's gross. This blog may have started as a cure for boredom, but I'm pretty sure its point is now to project an image of myself. I'm not sure exactly what image it is, but at the very least it's that I am an entertaining person and worth your attention. Please please pay attention to me. Ew.

It used to gross me out to think about impressing colleges and jobs. You have to look a certain way and talk a certain way and smile and smell good and pretend to be more interested than you are and highlight all your good qualities while attempting to hide your flaws, all in an attempt to make someone think you are somehow better or more qualified than someone else. I hate that kind of competition. It's unhealthy and unnatural.

My mother forced me to go to an interview at a college in which I was not the least bit interested. I had no intention of impressing this lady interviewing me, and I didn't even know what she wanted to hear if I had felt like catering to that. I answered all her questions "I don't know," and she was getting frustrated. When she asked me "What unique thing would you add if you were part of the freshman class here?" I simply replied, "Honestly...I don't think anything." She didn't know what to say to that. She just smiled obnoxiously and thanked me for coming.

And the gross thing is, the reason I like telling that story about myself is to show you that I was sooo beyond trying to prove things to that lady. I didn't even care. It didn't matter what that college thought of me, man, cause who was I trying to impress? (That Änna, she doesn't even care!) I tell you this so that you will think I am sooo nonchalant.

It's like in I Heart Huckabees. This guy always tells the story of how he tricked Shania Twain into eating chicken salad. Then he gets called out on the fact that the reason he always tells that story is to show that he is powerful and clever for tricking a celebrity. He's finally faced with his real motivation behind everything, and the next time someone makes him tell the story, he throws up in front of everyone. Sometimes I even start to annoy myself with how completely self-obsessed I am. The attempt to have an image never ends. I say I don't like competition for jobs or colleges, but I do the same thing.
I love competition when it comes to...Big Boggle and Taboo. I guess I want everyone to know that I am better at spotting long words than they are. And I am better at coming up with synonyms very quickly. Interesting, the things I enjoy being known for. Really, these are not the things I want to be known for. When I die, I don't want people standing around saying, "She did the best impression of Tracy Morgan, and she knew how to make people say 'saddle' without using the words 'horse,' 'ride,' 'back,' 'Western,' or 'leather'."
I want to be known for my love of other people, my dedication to making the world a better place, and my passion for life. But...it's really hard to show people your heart, and if you're really being honest, your heart won't always look that good, so you might as well just focus on trivial things.
I fill this little online journal thing with meaningless drivel, in an attempt to be different from those people that pour out their hearts online. But...what would be so wrong with that? At least the people who do that are brave enough to be honest. I also want to be known as an honest person...not just the person who has a random fact for every topic.