I realize I'm not graduating yet

The other day was my last official day in preschool. They made me put on a crown and sit in a chair while they all sat in a semicircle around me and watched as I opened presents that they had wrapped (and my teacher had bought) one by one. It was so awkward, but they were all so excited to tell me which presents they had wrapped. And they had done a really good job too. I think they might have had help...but anyway. I just kept thinking that I didn't deserve any of that. I didn't do anything. I mostly just watched them play, and here I was being a princess.

It was a pretty good day. Can't say I don't love gifts and attention from anyone, including little kids. That day was also senior night, when those graduating in IV talked about the life lessons they have to pass on after four or more years in this institution. Naturally, since I am signing my life away to student teaching next year, my college experience is quickly coming to an end and I, too, have begun to reflect on what's been going on these past 3 years.

All I could think of, though, was that morning when everyone gave me presents and cake and a crown and told me they were gonna miss me. And I guess that's how I could look at these past 3 years. People showing me love for no apparent reason. I can't think of anything particularly wonderful that I've done, but all my good memories of college are of spending time with fantastic people. These people have given me free food or let me sleep at their apartment or called me to let me know that they saw some cute skirts I would like. People even give me free clothes or rides places or random things that make them think of me. They make me CDs and give me turtles and invite me to things.

I find that people always take care of me in little ways that mean so much. Even if I leave behind all my free time next year, I know I will still have these people around supporting me whenever I need them. I've been getting all angry and bitter and scared about next year. I feel as though I'm sacrificing my senior year, something that I'm entitled to, right? Poor me, I'm gonna go through a difficult year. I don't think I really know what it looks like to follow Jesus. I know the good things, like the huge community of people that come with it, but I don't like to give up my life. That was one of the hardest things that Jesus ever said - that you have to lose your life to save it. In order for your life to mean anything, you have to give up your control of it. I think about this often, but I never really live it.

Yes next year will be hard. Yes I will have to give up my free time and my sleep and my control and my entitlement to more of the college experience. I made it to Gospel Happy Hour tonight and heard one girl's poem. One line stuck out to me that said something to the effect of: "Working the morning shift at the Gap will give me the humility I need when I am leading a board room." Yeah it sucks to be stuck at the Gap when you have a degree and the skills to be in business. You don't want to be folding clothes! But God thinks it's beautiful. I need next year to help me become a teacher who can do something even close to meaningful in the lives of children. It will be hard, but I am holding onto the hope that it will be beautiful.